Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Salon Goes Confederate.

Salon descends into self-parody today with its cover story, "Long Live Secession!" (You have to sit through some dumb ad unless you are a subscriber.)

"Although secessionism today is politically impossible, if tenuously legal, the secession specter has arisen again, waking to the Declaration's call to self-governance. In 2005, it is the blue-state Northerners, bitter from the defeat of Nov. 2, who are, ironically, wearing its robes."

Ironic, yes. In the early '90s it was extreme right-wing nutjobs in the woods babbling about Black Helicopters and nefarious U.N. plots who wanted to seceed. This movement was the spoofed in the second season of Mr. Show in a skit called "New Freeland, Montana." Now it's the extremely left-wing nutjobs who want to seceed. Either way it's the same juvenile reasoning personified by Cartman. "If I can't get my way, then screw you guys, I'm goin' home."

"Tenously legal"? I question that. Didn't we fight a war or something about this? Maybe I missed that episode but I thought this was settled. I could be wrong.

Before we had Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, Jefferson Davis, men who were willing to risk their lives, their freedom, and their property for the right to seceed. Today we have some sob-sister in Vermont, Thomas Naylor. He chairs something called "the Second Vermont Republic," a group he calls "a peaceful, democratic, libertarian, grassroots movement opposed to the tyranny of the United States." Somehow I don't foresee a War for Northeasten Independence.

But he's not alone. No, there are idiot dreamers fantasizing about Independence all across this great land. Hawaii, Alaska, New York City, and California all have some sort of secession 'movement.' There's a fictional "Republic of Atlantica, which imagines a seaboard megalopolis nation stretching from Boston to Washington, D.C." And of course the Republic of Cascadia, which seeks secession from both the U.S. and "the repressive government of Canada." It would create a sovereign nation out of Oregon, Washington and British Columbia.

The guy who heads the Committee to Explore California Secession said, "The legality and constitutionality are really a moot point. New nations are born by a declaration of independence." BUZZ. Wrong answer, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you, dumbshit. New nations are won by force, by people fighting, killing and dying for them. The Declaration of Independence didn't make us free of British rule. It's a piece of freaking paper. The Revolutionary War made us free of the Brits. Nothing less.

But at least California, NYC and Cascadia have economies that would support them and large enough populations to mount some sort of military defense. Hawaii? Alaska? Vermont? Come on. These people want sovereign independence in a world without natural disasters so they won't need billions from FEMA. A world without aggressive enemies where everyone is Scandanavian and plays nice and obeys the rules.

I mean, Vermont? Just think of all the expenses the 600,000 or so 'citizens' would have to incur. Passport, diplomats, currency, a national bank, 'national' parks, a postal service, a whole host of regulatory agencies. Their colleges and universities would get nothing from the U.S. government: no student loans, no Pell Grants, no research funding, no athletic money. Plus no more infrastructure subsidies from the Feds. They would have to fully fund their own highways, air traffic system, clean air and water systems, and border controls. A bank was robbed, a building blown up, a rash of kidnappings. Tough shit, you can't call the FBI.

How about this? Nuclear energy supplies 76.1 percent of the electricity generated in Vermont. And who oversees that plant? The Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Well not after secession. They'd have to build their own nuclear regulatory body. Toxic spill? A leak of radioactive vapors? Hey, don't call the EPA, asshole.

But you can't stop the leftist wet dream. "Naylor is undeterred. He offers that no state is more historically prepared for going it alone than Vermont." How so, you ask? "It has no military bases, no strategic resources, few military contractors." Sounds like a recipe for independence to me. What's to stop a group of mercenaries from throwing a coup and taking over the place? A bunch of Vermonters with hunting rifles?

Hey, I say, rock on Vermont. Go crazy. Here's you share of the debt plus a bill of the value of the formerly Appalachian National Scenic Trail and the Rockefeller National Historical Park. Here's a fat list of tariffs on all your exported crap (remember it wouldn't be part of the WTO for a while so no free rides pal). Sink or swim but quit whining.


Blogger Anonymous said...

hey there,
i just stumbled across your blog. great stuff! i enjoy your musings, but you really got me hooked when you referenced Mr. Show! ;)

keep up the good work. also, it's not nearly as in depth or insightful as yours, but feel free to stop by my blog sometime: http://fateofnations.blogspot.com-best,

5:26 PM  

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